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Jan. 13th, 2003
Superman was feeling bored after a long day of crimefighting and wanted to go out and party, so he called Batman to ask if he wanted to go to a club and pick up some girls.
Batman said Robin was ill and he had to look after him.
A little disappointed, Superman called Spiderman to see if he fancied a few beers. Spiderman told him he had a date with Catwoman.
As a last resort, Superman flew over to Wonderwoman's appartment to see if she was free.
As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonderwoman naked on the bed with her legs open.
Superman thought to himself: "I'm faster than a speeding bullet. I could be in there, have sex, and be out again before she knew what was happening". So Superman did his Super Thing in a split second and flew off happily.
Meanwhile on the bed, Wonderwoman said: "Did you hear something?"
No" said the Invisible Man, "but my ass hurts like hell!".
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Two friends, Bob and Pete, are on a hunting expedition in the country. Bob accidentally trips and cracks his head open on a rock. Pete rings the ambulance service on his mobile phone.
Pete: Help!Help! My friend's just fallen over and been killed
Operator: Calm down, sir. First we need to make sure whether he's dead -
BANG!
Pete: Ok, I've made sure - now what do I do?
--------------------------------------------------------
As the Pope lay dying he is visited by an angel who tells him
that before he dies, God has commanded that he must make love to a young virgin so he may know and understand the earthly
pleasures he gave up his whole life. The Pope argues for a while
but then finally agrees to do it if certain conditions are met:
"First, she must be blind so she cannot see the desecration I
will perform on her body!"
"Second, she must be mute so she can never repeat the unspeakable act I will be performing on her body!"
"Third, she must be deaf so she cannot hear the unspeakable acts I will be performing on her body."
The angel writes these down and begins to float away to reports
back to God. Just before he disappears, the Pope leans forward
and says, "One last thing."
"What is it," says the Angel.
The Pope whispers, "Big tits."
----------------------------------------------------------------
Virus Jokes and Hoaxes
BIN LADEN VIRUS
Continues to hide in its own set of network connections.
GEORGE W BUSH VIRUS termittently masks the pixel colors on your screen, so that you never get the whole picture. Variant of the Neal Bush "S&L" virus, and the Jeb Bush "does what it can" virus.
JOKE VIRUS
Poses as a harmless list of funny computer VIRUS names!
7TH DAY ADVENTIST VIRUS Very destructive - disables your system every Saturday, but let's it start up again on Sunday morning.
ADAM AND EVE VIRUS Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple computer.
AL GORE UNIX VIRUS Whenever you inquire about one of your environment variables, it shows you the current setting, but then tacks on an alarmist message concerning the future of the variable.
AIRLINE VIRUS You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS Terminates and stays resident. It vill be bahk.
AT&T VIRUS Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
BAPTIST VIRUS Immerses your hard-drive in water, secretly drinks beer on Friday night, memory chips go for a smoke behind your computer when you hit pause.
BIRTHDAY VIRUS Keeps advancing your clock by another year.
BOB DOLE VIRUS Could be virulent, but it's been around too long to be much of a threat.
BORIS YELZIN VIRUS It reformats your drive and alters your PC's basic operating principles every ten minutes, making it completely inoperative. Meanwhile, an on screen message begs you to be patient and wait 90 days for results.
C*A*M*P* VIRUS Compuserve*America Online*Microsoftnetwork*Prodigy* Need I say more?
CHRISTIAN SCIENCE VIRUS Your hard drive isn't really down, you just think it is.
CLEVELAND INDIANS VIRUS Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a 286AT.
CLINTON VIRUS Gives you a 7" hard drive with no memory.
COLIN POWELL VIRUS Makes its presence known, but doesn't do anything. Secretly, you wish it would.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #1 The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #2 The computer locks up, and the screen splits in half with the same message appearing on each side of the screen. The message says that the blame for the gridlock is caused by the other side.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #3 Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #4 Overdraws your disk space.
DAN QUAYLE VIRUS #1 Prevents your system from spawning any child process without joining into a binary network.
DAN QUAYLE VIRUS #2 Their is sumthing rong wit your komputer, ewe jsut cant figyour out watt!
DAN QUAYLE VIRUS #3 Said to cause speling erors in files stored on your disk.
DAN QUAYLE VIRUS #4 Forces your computer to play PGA TOUR from 10am to 4pm, six days a week.
DAVID DUKE VIRUS Makes your screen go completely white.
DISNEY VIRUS Everything in your computer goes goofy.
DR. HANNIBAL LECTER VIRUS It eats the heart out of your PC with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.
ELVIS VIRUS Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self-destructs -- only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.
EPISCOPAL VIRUS All files self-delete after a pre-determined time, so that the hard drive never fills to more than 30% of capacity.
E.T. VIRUS Locks up your modem by phoning home
FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
FREUDIAN VIRUS #1 Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.
FREUDIAN VIRUS #2 Your computer becomes envious of your friend's hard drive.
GALLUP VIRUS Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin or error).
GEORGE BUSH VIRUS It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs...no new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS.
GEORGE MICHAELS VIRUS Runs its course, occasionally releasing data buildup.
GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
GRIDLOCK VIRUS Keeps shuffling information that it calls 'bills' between your CPU and BUS, sending messages like 'House Bill #xxxx is unacceptable to Senate'. Never gets any work done.
HEALTH CARE VIRUS Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.
HILLARY RODHAM CLINTON VIRUS #1 Files dissappear, only to reappear mysteriously a year later, in another directory.
JACK KEVORKIAN VIRUS #1 Deletes all old files.
JACK KEVORKIAN VIRUS #2 Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.
JACK KEVORKIAN VIRUS #3 Enables irreparably damaged files to delete themselves.
JANE FONDA VIRUS Attacks your hard drive's FAT.
JEHOVAH'S WITNESS VIRUS #1 Keeps banging the head in your hard drive!
JEHOVAH'S WITNESS VIRUS #2 Deletes all but 144000 select files.
JERRY BROWN VIRUS news your screen and flashes an 800 number.
JERRY SPRINGER VIRUS The chair next to your computer suddenly hurls toward you.
JEWISH VIRUS 8 days after delivery, your new computer looses the tip of it's joystick, ouch!
JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS Your programs can never be found again.
JURASSIC PARK VIRUS Makes V20 computers more advanced than a 486 then duplicates the new computers.
KENNETH STARR VIRUS Completely examines every aspect of your computer, then compiles a complex report that discredits every aspect of your computer.
LAPD VIRUS It claims it feels threatened by other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense."
LEFT-WING DRIVEL VIRUS Deletes all monetary files, but keeps smiling and sending messages about how the economy is going to get better.
MICHAEL JACKSON VIRUS Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. This virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your car.
MIKE TYSON VIRUS Quits after two bytes.
MONICA LEWINSKY VIRUS Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then emails everyone about what it did.
NATIONAL ENQUIRER VIRUS It incessantly scans your files for evidence that you are cross-dressing, have been abducted by aliens, or are secretly dating Princess Di.
NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
O.J. SIMPSON VIRUS #1 You know it's guilty of trashing your system, but you just can't prove it.
O.J. SIMPSON VIRUS #2 It claims that it did not, could not and would not delete two of your files and vows to find the virus that did it.
OLLIE NORTH VIRUS Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.
OLLIE NORTH VIRUS #2 Plays a patriotic .WAV while it shreds your files.
ORAL ROBERTS VIRUS Claims that if you don't send it a million dollars, its programmer will take it back.
POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS Never identifies itself as a "VIRUS," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic micro-organism."
THE RAMBO VIRUS Protects your CPU, but attacks any systems it perceives as enemies.
RANDALL TERRY VIRUS Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose (A)bort from the (A)bort, (R)etry, (F)ail message.
RIGHT-TO-LIFE VIRUS Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how young it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.
RIGHT-WING HARDLINER VIRUS Won't allow any changes on your system, but keeps saying that things will get better as soon as it takes over the Whitehouse.
RONALD REAGAN VIRUS #1 Saves your data, but forgets where it's stored.
RONALD REAGAN VIRUS #2 This virus creates serious problems in memory.
SADDAM HUSSEIN VIRUS Won't let you into any of your programs.
SEARS VIRUS Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply, and a set of shocks.
SHARON STONE VIRUS Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it's there.
SONNY BONO VIRUS Just when you get surfing the web, a firewall appears out of nowhere.
SPICE GIRLS VIRUS Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop.
SPIKE LEE VIRUS It makes your screen go totally black.
STAR TREK VIRUS Invades your system in places where no VIRUS has gone before.
TEENAGE VIRUS: You can get your PC to do what you want, but only after an interminable argument that leaves you feeling horribly guilty.
TEXAS VIRUS Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
UNITARIAN VIRUS #1 Opens up a LOT of Windows, but for no apparent reason.
UNITARIAN VIRUS #2 It opens all windows and lets you view back into your computers life as an 8088
Vampyre VIRUS Your PC can operate only at night, and its performance really sucks.
VIAGRA VIRUS Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.
WARREN COMMISSION VIRUS Won't allow you to open your files for 75 years.
WINDOWS 95 VIRUS And you thought it was an operating system!
WOODY ALLEN VIRUS Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card.
X-FILES VIRUS All your Icons start shape shifting
Batman said Robin was ill and he had to look after him.
A little disappointed, Superman called Spiderman to see if he fancied a few beers. Spiderman told him he had a date with Catwoman.
As a last resort, Superman flew over to Wonderwoman's appartment to see if she was free.
As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonderwoman naked on the bed with her legs open.
Superman thought to himself: "I'm faster than a speeding bullet. I could be in there, have sex, and be out again before she knew what was happening". So Superman did his Super Thing in a split second and flew off happily.
Meanwhile on the bed, Wonderwoman said: "Did you hear something?"
No" said the Invisible Man, "but my ass hurts like hell!".
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Two friends, Bob and Pete, are on a hunting expedition in the country. Bob accidentally trips and cracks his head open on a rock. Pete rings the ambulance service on his mobile phone.
Pete: Help!Help! My friend's just fallen over and been killed
Operator: Calm down, sir. First we need to make sure whether he's dead -
BANG!
Pete: Ok, I've made sure - now what do I do?
--------------------------------------------------------
As the Pope lay dying he is visited by an angel who tells him
that before he dies, God has commanded that he must make love to a young virgin so he may know and understand the earthly
pleasures he gave up his whole life. The Pope argues for a while
but then finally agrees to do it if certain conditions are met:
"First, she must be blind so she cannot see the desecration I
will perform on her body!"
"Second, she must be mute so she can never repeat the unspeakable act I will be performing on her body!"
"Third, she must be deaf so she cannot hear the unspeakable acts I will be performing on her body."
The angel writes these down and begins to float away to reports
back to God. Just before he disappears, the Pope leans forward
and says, "One last thing."
"What is it," says the Angel.
The Pope whispers, "Big tits."
----------------------------------------------------------------
Virus Jokes and Hoaxes
BIN LADEN VIRUS
Continues to hide in its own set of network connections.
GEORGE W BUSH VIRUS termittently masks the pixel colors on your screen, so that you never get the whole picture. Variant of the Neal Bush "S&L" virus, and the Jeb Bush "does what it can" virus.
JOKE VIRUS
Poses as a harmless list of funny computer VIRUS names!
7TH DAY ADVENTIST VIRUS Very destructive - disables your system every Saturday, but let's it start up again on Sunday morning.
ADAM AND EVE VIRUS Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple computer.
AL GORE UNIX VIRUS Whenever you inquire about one of your environment variables, it shows you the current setting, but then tacks on an alarmist message concerning the future of the variable.
AIRLINE VIRUS You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS Terminates and stays resident. It vill be bahk.
AT&T VIRUS Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
BAPTIST VIRUS Immerses your hard-drive in water, secretly drinks beer on Friday night, memory chips go for a smoke behind your computer when you hit pause.
BIRTHDAY VIRUS Keeps advancing your clock by another year.
BOB DOLE VIRUS Could be virulent, but it's been around too long to be much of a threat.
BORIS YELZIN VIRUS It reformats your drive and alters your PC's basic operating principles every ten minutes, making it completely inoperative. Meanwhile, an on screen message begs you to be patient and wait 90 days for results.
C*A*M*P* VIRUS Compuserve*America Online*Microsoftnetwork*Prodigy* Need I say more?
CHRISTIAN SCIENCE VIRUS Your hard drive isn't really down, you just think it is.
CLEVELAND INDIANS VIRUS Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a 286AT.
CLINTON VIRUS Gives you a 7" hard drive with no memory.
COLIN POWELL VIRUS Makes its presence known, but doesn't do anything. Secretly, you wish it would.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #1 The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #2 The computer locks up, and the screen splits in half with the same message appearing on each side of the screen. The message says that the blame for the gridlock is caused by the other side.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #3 Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #4 Overdraws your disk space.
DAN QUAYLE VIRUS #1 Prevents your system from spawning any child process without joining into a binary network.
DAN QUAYLE VIRUS #2 Their is sumthing rong wit your komputer, ewe jsut cant figyour out watt!
DAN QUAYLE VIRUS #3 Said to cause speling erors in files stored on your disk.
DAN QUAYLE VIRUS #4 Forces your computer to play PGA TOUR from 10am to 4pm, six days a week.
DAVID DUKE VIRUS Makes your screen go completely white.
DISNEY VIRUS Everything in your computer goes goofy.
DR. HANNIBAL LECTER VIRUS It eats the heart out of your PC with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.
ELVIS VIRUS Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self-destructs -- only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.
EPISCOPAL VIRUS All files self-delete after a pre-determined time, so that the hard drive never fills to more than 30% of capacity.
E.T. VIRUS Locks up your modem by phoning home
FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
FREUDIAN VIRUS #1 Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.
FREUDIAN VIRUS #2 Your computer becomes envious of your friend's hard drive.
GALLUP VIRUS Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin or error).
GEORGE BUSH VIRUS It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs...no new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS.
GEORGE MICHAELS VIRUS Runs its course, occasionally releasing data buildup.
GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
GRIDLOCK VIRUS Keeps shuffling information that it calls 'bills' between your CPU and BUS, sending messages like 'House Bill #xxxx is unacceptable to Senate'. Never gets any work done.
HEALTH CARE VIRUS Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.
HILLARY RODHAM CLINTON VIRUS #1 Files dissappear, only to reappear mysteriously a year later, in another directory.
JACK KEVORKIAN VIRUS #1 Deletes all old files.
JACK KEVORKIAN VIRUS #2 Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.
JACK KEVORKIAN VIRUS #3 Enables irreparably damaged files to delete themselves.
JANE FONDA VIRUS Attacks your hard drive's FAT.
JEHOVAH'S WITNESS VIRUS #1 Keeps banging the head in your hard drive!
JEHOVAH'S WITNESS VIRUS #2 Deletes all but 144000 select files.
JERRY BROWN VIRUS news your screen and flashes an 800 number.
JERRY SPRINGER VIRUS The chair next to your computer suddenly hurls toward you.
JEWISH VIRUS 8 days after delivery, your new computer looses the tip of it's joystick, ouch!
JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS Your programs can never be found again.
JURASSIC PARK VIRUS Makes V20 computers more advanced than a 486 then duplicates the new computers.
KENNETH STARR VIRUS Completely examines every aspect of your computer, then compiles a complex report that discredits every aspect of your computer.
LAPD VIRUS It claims it feels threatened by other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense."
LEFT-WING DRIVEL VIRUS Deletes all monetary files, but keeps smiling and sending messages about how the economy is going to get better.
MICHAEL JACKSON VIRUS Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. This virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your car.
MIKE TYSON VIRUS Quits after two bytes.
MONICA LEWINSKY VIRUS Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then emails everyone about what it did.
NATIONAL ENQUIRER VIRUS It incessantly scans your files for evidence that you are cross-dressing, have been abducted by aliens, or are secretly dating Princess Di.
NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
O.J. SIMPSON VIRUS #1 You know it's guilty of trashing your system, but you just can't prove it.
O.J. SIMPSON VIRUS #2 It claims that it did not, could not and would not delete two of your files and vows to find the virus that did it.
OLLIE NORTH VIRUS Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.
OLLIE NORTH VIRUS #2 Plays a patriotic .WAV while it shreds your files.
ORAL ROBERTS VIRUS Claims that if you don't send it a million dollars, its programmer will take it back.
POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS Never identifies itself as a "VIRUS," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic micro-organism."
THE RAMBO VIRUS Protects your CPU, but attacks any systems it perceives as enemies.
RANDALL TERRY VIRUS Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose (A)bort from the (A)bort, (R)etry, (F)ail message.
RIGHT-TO-LIFE VIRUS Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how young it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.
RIGHT-WING HARDLINER VIRUS Won't allow any changes on your system, but keeps saying that things will get better as soon as it takes over the Whitehouse.
RONALD REAGAN VIRUS #1 Saves your data, but forgets where it's stored.
RONALD REAGAN VIRUS #2 This virus creates serious problems in memory.
SADDAM HUSSEIN VIRUS Won't let you into any of your programs.
SEARS VIRUS Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply, and a set of shocks.
SHARON STONE VIRUS Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it's there.
SONNY BONO VIRUS Just when you get surfing the web, a firewall appears out of nowhere.
SPICE GIRLS VIRUS Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop.
SPIKE LEE VIRUS It makes your screen go totally black.
STAR TREK VIRUS Invades your system in places where no VIRUS has gone before.
TEENAGE VIRUS: You can get your PC to do what you want, but only after an interminable argument that leaves you feeling horribly guilty.
TEXAS VIRUS Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
UNITARIAN VIRUS #1 Opens up a LOT of Windows, but for no apparent reason.
UNITARIAN VIRUS #2 It opens all windows and lets you view back into your computers life as an 8088
Vampyre VIRUS Your PC can operate only at night, and its performance really sucks.
VIAGRA VIRUS Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.
WARREN COMMISSION VIRUS Won't allow you to open your files for 75 years.
WINDOWS 95 VIRUS And you thought it was an operating system!
WOODY ALLEN VIRUS Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card.
X-FILES VIRUS All your Icons start shape shifting
Things the Fellowship would never say
Jan. 13th, 2003 08:53 pmThings the Fellowship wouldn't say
Orc: What orders from Mordor, my lord? What does the eye command?
Saruman: I wish you'd stop asking me that every five minutes!
Arwen: It is mine to give to whomever I choose . . . as is my heart.
Aragorn: Alriiiiiiiiiight . . .
Arwen: Which is why I give it to Gimli!
Asfaloth to Arwen: err...where's Glorfindel?! oi! gerrof me!
Faramir: Look, dad. I would be most grateful if you listened for your wise son instead of this ***** Palantir just once! Thanks!
Aragorn tosses Gimli into the air while saying: Heads, it's Arwen! Tails, it's Eowyn!
Legolas: Crebain from Dunland!
Aragorn: Really? Where?
Boromir: (Jumping about) Ooh! Ooh! Look at me! I'm one of the Fellowship! Ooh aren't I BRAVE!?
Lindir: actually, Bilbo, your song really sucked, and I'd appreciate it if you'd never bother repeating one of you two-penny rhymes ever again.
Aragorn at Council of Elrond: Havo....havo..... (turns to Elrond) what's 'sit down' in Elvish?
Orc: What orders from Mordor, my lord? What does the eye command?
Saruman: I wish you'd stop asking me that every five minutes!
Arwen: It is mine to give to whomever I choose . . . as is my heart.
Aragorn: Alriiiiiiiiiight . . .
Arwen: Which is why I give it to Gimli!
Asfaloth to Arwen: err...where's Glorfindel?! oi! gerrof me!
Faramir: Look, dad. I would be most grateful if you listened for your wise son instead of this ***** Palantir just once! Thanks!
Aragorn tosses Gimli into the air while saying: Heads, it's Arwen! Tails, it's Eowyn!
Legolas: Crebain from Dunland!
Aragorn: Really? Where?
Boromir: (Jumping about) Ooh! Ooh! Look at me! I'm one of the Fellowship! Ooh aren't I BRAVE!?
Lindir: actually, Bilbo, your song really sucked, and I'd appreciate it if you'd never bother repeating one of you two-penny rhymes ever again.
Aragorn at Council of Elrond: Havo....havo..... (turns to Elrond) what's 'sit down' in Elvish?
(no subject)
Jan. 13th, 2003 10:52 pmThe rock and pool,
Is nice and cool;
So nice for feet!
I only wish,
To catch a fish;
So juicy sweet!
Is nice and cool;
So nice for feet!
I only wish,
To catch a fish;
So juicy sweet!